its beginning

to feel alot like christmas. and look too (not in that picture though). Im surprised at how often its been snowing before the holiday is even here. that usually never happens. barnes and noble helps out because it gets so busy and everyones happy and everything's decorated. its nice. for the last few years i feel like ive missed the spirit and atmosphere of the holidays because, despite the fact that NYC is one of the biggest tourist attractions during the holidays, where i spend my time is not in times square or rockafeller center so i don't notice it. and its like all of a sudden christmas has come and gone.

The semester's almost over and my breakdown is finally over-with (for now at least). Although lately I've become very nostalgic. Now, i know im always nostalgic, but this is more so with my early years of high school rather than the past two years as it usually is. I always say to myself that I'd probably be much happier off alone without friends and without the drama. But im probably just lying to myself. Ive been thinking about my past and my experience with different people. and it makes me so sad how i function in that aspect. I always take my group of friends and tell myself that their not worth it or Im above this and that and all this bull shit. and after looking at my friend, whose posted an album of her high school years on the internet, i realized that i wish i had that strong of friendships with all my old friends. I dont understand why i do what i do. Though im sure its because i tend to always have this HUGE paranoia of annoying people and always thinking people actually hate me, that i push them away as a defense mechanism. Truth is i miss each and every one of them. and I wish that i could go home and hang out with them and have a good time and stop being a little woose that i am.

I wish that i was how i am now in high school. I wouldnt have cared so much about the little stuff which would have led to me not pushing away people for stupid shit. Then again without those years and being how i was, i wouldn't be who i am today.

I say all this and then there's still a part of me that wishes i could just start over. I really have no friends at school. and The ones i do have, we never hang out. and i wish we did so badly.

Congratulations, you've just witnessed me realizing how arogant and egotistical i am. Though I'd still like to argue against it because i know that i do what i do, because i am too self conscious to just take things as they are, and i isolate myself to protect myself. a lose - lose situation: hurt or hurt. hate myself because i hated myself.

This can all go along with the fact that yesterday while having my final critique on my self portrait series, i realized that an underlying theme of my work just might be co-dependency.

Apparently I'm not as big and tough and strong as I make myself out to be. But i guess now is as good a time as any to realize all this, huh?